Japanese convenience stores — or konbini, as they’re lovingly known — are the backbone of Japanese society. A konbini is a quick pitstop for food, drinks, clothes, stationery, caffeine, nicotine — you name it.
If you’re having a tough week, the konbini makes it easier for you to get a quick meal in. If you spill coffee on your button-up on the way to work, you can cop one for a decent price at a konbini, so you at least don’t look like the hot mess that you are. If you’re on the way to a date and need a mint, or, ahem, protection, the konbini has your back. (And we should all be grateful for that, given the recent surge of STDs in the country.)
The konbini is like a trustworthy sidekick — always there to help, never to judge — and what you choose to get when you visit reveals a lot about you. Here’s what your favorite item at the konbini says about you.
Onigiri
If your staple item at a konbini is the good ol’ onigiri, you’re basically an NPC in your own life. You dislike change, and you probably live like a cartoon character, with an entire closet full of the same outfit. Sure, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it — but also, are you even really happy?
Tamago Sando
I knew this was your favorite item because I can smell you from a mile away. If you work or live with people and you still choose to consistently munch on this during your lunch break, your desk neighbor doesn’t actually like you as much as you thought.
Famichiki
Liking Famichiki, the beloved boneless fried chicken available at the front counter of Family Mart, does not a personality make. Everyone in the world adores this deep-fried mystery blob of chicken; it’s a culinary masterpiece. But if you’re the type of person to make loving Famichiki your whole ~thing~, it’s time to start researching actual hobbies.
Pizza-man
If the off-orange bun filled with questionable tomato sauce and cheese is your favorite item from the konbini, you’re probably a foreigner who just wants anything not soy sauce-flavored. I get it, but… you know pizza exists in Tokyo, right? Why do you settle for this mutated calzone? You’re allowed to have standards, luv.
Calpis
If you pronounce Calpis using its white-washed name “Calpico,” put that bottle down right now. “But ‘Calpis” sounds like cow piss?” The only thing that sounds like piss is your Japanese pronunciation.
Beyond that, it’s good to know you have tacky, white phlegm all the time from drinking this milky soft drink.
Aquarius/Pocari Sweat
First of all: If your first instinct was to complain about how I lumped Aquarius and Pocari Sweat together, then you need to get a life. Anyway, enjoy chugging your sweetened bottle of sweat, “athlete.”
Coffee
If you regularly drink konbini coffee, you’re either way too busy, way too broke or both. Especially if you get that Lawson mega-size. I’m worried about you, you caffeine junkie.
Big Katsu
(This one is specifically for Lisa, our social media director of questionable taste.) If your favorite item from the konbini is the Big Katsu — a frightening loaf reminiscent of pork katsu, but actually containing fish paste — please, for the love of god, give your taste buds a break. You can chase highs outside of an ominous fried snack.
Protein Bar/Shake
If your go-to item at a konbini is a high-protein drink or bar, you’re a half-assed gym rat. You lift sometimes and gobble anything labeled “high protein” and hope it’ll magically be healthy and nourishing. How’s that “dirty bulk” going for you? Not well? Yeah, I thought so.
Vitamin Jelly Pouches
You’re not an astronaut — you’re a regular office worker. There’s no conceivable reason you should be sucking down these mysterious vitamin pouches. If you regularly elect to buy vitamin jelly pouches, you probably are trying to compensate for some unfulfilled childhood dream — and failing at it.
Alcohol
Sigh… where do I begin? I get how cheap, convenient alcohol can seem attractive, but there comes a point in your life when you should get bored of it. When was the last time you woke up at a decent hour on the weekend? Go smell some grass, literally. I hear Yoyogi Park is lovely.
(Or, if you’d rather not touch grass just yet, check out our guide to what your go-to konbini drink says about you.)
Konbini Apparel
FamilyMart socks were all the craze when they were first released (followed by copy-cat Lawson socks). If you consistently pick up clothing items from konbini, you’re easily bamboozled and delighted by branding – or you’re just too lazy to go to an actual store for your essentials.
Using the Printers
If the main purpose of going to konbini is not even to pick up anything, but to use the printers?? The capitalist machine has really done a number on you. Do me a favor and unclench a little. Your company won’t crash and burn if you actually use those paid leave days.
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