The quintessential Shibuya meltdown, i.e. collapsing on the godforsaken concrete grounds of Tokyo from one (or five) too many drinks is often fueled by one evil source: the konbini drink. Grabbing your first can of alcohol at Family Mart always feels like a good idea. It’s cheap, convenient and honestly tastes pretty good. When you wake up with a pounding headache the next morning, though, you can’t help but wonder what in the world they put in that mysterious can that comes out to less than ¥200.
Regardless of whether you’re grabbing a craft beer on the way home from work or chugging a hefty 9% ABV chuhai before going clubbing, we are all united under the konbini beverage. Find out what your go-to drink says about you. Keep reading at your own risk and drink responsibly.
Kirin Hyoketsu
Hyoketsu, whose name means “freeze” because of some mysterious “freezing technique” Kirin uses to extract natural fruit juices, markets itself as the classic chuhai (shochu highball). But get this, Hyoketsu (and most canned chuhai on the market) is actually not chuhai at all, but flavored vodka soda. At relatively low calories and a solid 5% ABV, Hyoketsu is more like the Japanese White Claw (sorry, White Claw is the American Hyoketsu).
If this fake chuhai is your go-to konbini drink, you live by the motto “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” You know what works for you, and you’ll stick with it, but you also won’t take a risk to actually try something exciting.
Lemon-dou
Since its release in summer 2018, the Lemon-dou lemon sour quickly climbed up the ranks of konbini drinks to become a staple. And understandably so. Coca-Cola’s first lemon sour brand has a sour, lemony kick to it that tastes relatively close to a fresh lemon sour that you’d get at an izakaya.
Having the navy-colored can in your hand doesn’t make you any less of a street drinker, though. Also, you can say that it “doesn’t compare to the other lemon sours” and that you “don’t like girlie sweet drinks” all you like, but it doesn’t make you sophisticated.
Strong Zero
You know you’re about to get flamed, right? If you’re a college student trying to get drunk on a budget or a tourist who was told “you have to try it once,” I’ll give you a pass. If you’re a grown adult still reaching for a Strong Zero as your go-to, maybe it’s time to go to therapy.
One large can of this stuff might make you buzzed quickly, but is it worth the price you’ll have to pay the next day? And when will you learn that you can’t handle hangovers like you used to? Go call a friend if you’re feeling lonely and need to fill that emptiness you feel inside.
Horoyoi
We get it, you’re demure and cutetsy. What do you mean one can of Horoyoi gets you drunk? Grow up. At 3% ABV, Horoyoi is the lightweight’s best friend, but honestly, just drink juice at that point.
You don’t need to drink alcohol to enjoy a boozy setting. Trust me. And if people make fun of you for not drinking, find better friends. At least you won’t be holding a silly little pink can with “3%” on it.
Beer
Surprisingly, this may be the most civilized drink on the list. If you reach for a beer at the konbini, you’re probably also buying some otsumami snacks to go with it, and you just want to treat yourself. You’re a bit of an old soul and your ideal night consists of greasy food, a cold Asahi and watching your favorite show or playing a round of poker with some friends.
You probably have your favorite brand that you consistently reach for. Just don’t be that guy that makes a big deal when someone enjoys a different brand. No one likes that guy.
Cup Sake
This may be the least civilized drink on the list. There’s something sinister about a One Cup Ozeki or a carton of Onikoroshi. If you reach for it consistently, I have reason to believe the oni in question is you.
Is any situation so dire that you need to grab nihonshu from a konbini? Remind me to stay well away from you.
Chantaile Sparkling Wine
Or any canned wine available at the konbini. I get that sometimes, you’re just in the mood for some wine and anything else won’t cut it. But if you’re such a wine person, do you not have more integrity in the quality of your wine?
Maybe I’m being too harsh. The wine selection at a konbini really isn’t that bad, but there’s some element of grace lost in the process of pursuing ultimate convenience in the form of a can of wine with a screw-cap.
Highball
Highballs are extremely popular in Japan, and you can get them pre-mixed in a can at a konbini. If a highball is your drink of choice, you’re probably a pretty casual drinker that can pound cans without batting an eye.
You feel at home in Tokyo because the drinking culture is so entrenched here, no one will say anything about you grabbing your fifth drink in an hour. But it’s fine because highball is mostly soda water, so you’re staying “hydrated.”
Smirnoff Ice
There’s always a Smirnoff Ice nestled in the corner of the alcohol section at the konbini. I can’t quite tell you why, and I don’t understand how this glorified spiked lemonade is still relevant beyond “icing” someone.
If it is your drink of choice at a konbini, then you’re either stuck in 2010, or you’re a lightweight that wants to nurse a cold bottle in your hands to feel a little less of that awful social anxiety that haunts you.
Some Viral Drink Hack
Hi, chronically online! You smugly show your friends how you pour Malibu into a 7-Eleven smoothie, and you love their reaction every time.
You’re good at making the best out of a situation, like a millennial enjoying an overpriced avocado toast or an office worker beautifying their desk space. I’m not going to roast you, because, well, you need this.
